Work in Progress - adding figure

A couple months ago I was waking up from a dream and I saw a vision of this piece. The day before, in the studio, I had blocked out the large kelp on watercolor paper, because I was just going to do an abstract piece like I had been doing. But during my hypnopompic state I saw a body, my body encompassing the kelp as though it was a spine. Or the vagus nerve perhaps.

I am not a stranger to these visions. I often get them before starting a project or when I’m stuck and don’t know where to go with work.

I’ve been considering for a while adding figure into my work since it is becoming more and more personal. About the connection to my body and healing through co-regulation with nature and others. But also, my mind did NOT want to draw figurtively again!

Figure drawing was how I came back to art in my twenties and I spent days and nights in figure classes and drawing sessions in Los Angeles and Seattle. And then I was an illustrator for 15 years and I associate drawing with all of that. Part of me REALLY did not want to draw again because abstraction helps me break free from restraints and feels so good.

My mind was saying NO to coming but my intuItion was saying YES. So the next day I broke out my graphite and began drawing. And this figure just emerged. All of my figure work muscle memory just came back. And as I looked at it, I began to cry. I was so representational of what is / has been happening in my body.

I will share more when the piece is finished, but for now…here’s where it’s going.

Learning to breathe

Around the time when I found inspiration for my current project (see my first blog post) I was full of anxiety and depression. Most days I found myself unable to breathe normally, as anxiety seemed to be restricting any sense of normal trust in myself and in life.

At least a few times a week, I would find myself at the seashore, looking out into the deep blue water and trying to find a connection to something worth fighting for. One day, when I saw a piece of seaweed that had drifted to shore and was lying on top of some driftwood, it caught my attention. The wind was blowing it, and its skin-like body was responding in what looked like a breath-like motion. An immediate curiosity arose in me. Of course, I knew that seaweed was alive. But I had a sense that there was some kind of relationship that went beyond what I had observed previously just as beautifully diverse blooms on the shore, or annoying, slimy floaters that disturbed my swimming time. This seaweed had something to teach me.

The further I went down the rabbit hole, researching seaweed and kelps’ origins and diversity, I found that these beings are actually some of our first ancestors. They literally taught us how to breathe.

Before land plants and animals, microbes lived in the thermal vents of the ocean floor and in hot springs. Eventually, these microbes developed into more complex beings and learned how to breathe using photosynthesis, tapping into innumerable stores of energy available to them through the water that surrounded them. More and more algae developed and changed the atmosphere and terraformed the planet. From there, they began their descent upon the land and developed bodies that breathe oxygen.

Two days ago I arrived back home from India, where I was studying yogic philosophy and practice. I learned about the breath, and how essential it is to our mental, spiritual, and physical health. I learned about how the yogis studied the physical world and nature in order to gain a sense of clarity and then used this knowledge to create processes to increase energy and vitality. Pranayama are specific breathing exercises that increase or regulate this flow. As we practice, we teach ourselves how to come back to our natural breath, which decreases stress and increases strength. Nature shows us how to live.

Thinking back to that moment when the breathing seaweed caught my attention…was I connecting on a deep level to my ancient ancestor? Was it showing me that it is possible to learn how to breathe again on land? Giving me hope that I can come back to my natural vitality and a more fluid way of being? It’s an interesting idea that this was a tiny, prophetic bread crumb sent from nature itself to slowly dig me out of a hole that I’d fallen into. In a sense, this blog and my work is my sincere gift of reverence to these ancestors and the life they’ve given us and the way that they still show us every day.

Beneath the surface

CREATIVITY

a catalyst

not a fixed ratio

but constantly multiplying 

into a trillion aspects

of what could be

connecting thought

with matter

on levels not yet seen

what is known does not

interest me 

but possibility 

contains within it

the aspects of everything 

where we receive guidance

from infinite intelligence

Every year that goes by and with every project, it becomes more and more clear that my work is about getting in touch with what is under the surface of the reality that we see with our eyes or what we perceive with our senses.

We know scientifically that we are only capable of observing what we are specifically looking for at any given moment or what we have the capacity to comprehend.

But what about the structures and systems that support us, that hold life together but are unseen and relatively unknown to us? Most people never stop to think about our connection to these infrastructures because we have been taught to see ourselves as individual.

Our nervous system, mycelium, the quantum field, a spider web, the internet, the functional nutrients of food, a kelp forest. These are all examples of extremely complex systems that function as a whole, but we have little knowledge of how and if they relate to us.

My premise is that they do. Western culture and science is proficient at isolating. We isolate functions of the brain, organs, species, biomes and use this to diagnose, produce and sell. But we lack any greater knowledge of how we as humans connect in a more profound way to ourselves and the natural world, or how the natural world connects to itself or the quantum. But we are slowly gaining the science to see that there is something more going on here.

What happens when we lack the ability to see ourselves as connected? When part of us is hurt and we are unable to reconnect to what naturally heals us? We see ourselves as alone and unable to feel supported. And we feel unable to act as healers for the networks around us.

My work is about revealing what’s underneath the obvious. About seeing what is painful and healing and how connected we are to what is all around us. About co-regulating back to the systems that nurture and restore. I think it’s time.

Within

WITHIN

i’m always trying 

to come back

to live within 

what birthed me 

On my birthday a few weeks ago I thought I might spend all day at the spa but a migraine kept me from going. So I thought, maybe I could go to the aquarium and eye-gaze with the fishes, draw kelp, and have a calm day peering into the artificially reconstructed biomes of the deep.

As I arrived at the Seattle waterfront, my heart sank. How could I have forgotten that the Aquarium is not a tranquil respite for the city-weary artist? It’s a fun place to take your screaming toddler in order to get out of the house. Or a field trip for the 6th-grade biology class.

So, although I managed some one-on-one time with a few soulful fish who kept me company while drawing, most of the day was spent earplugged and headphoned (this potent duo only comes out in the direst of situations), dodging strollers while briskly making my way through the maze of sea creatures and children.

This scenario made me think about what it’s like living with a sensitive nervous system, and one that’s been affected by trauma. Since I was very young, I felt overwhelmed by life. Everything was too much, too loud, too emotional. Somehow, I did not develop the resilience in my nervous system to deal with this life. Being in a mall would leave me in tears and a trip to Disneyland would take me weeks to recover from. My mother was bewildered by this child who could melt down at any moment while she was a seeming monolith of emotional control. Since then, I’ve come to recognize that I have symptoms of complex ptsd and misophonia; a condition in which some sounds resonate louder than average and can cause emotional distress and even pain.

Many of us sensitive souls feel a strong connection with water because it feels comforting. Not only were we birthed out of the oceans millions of years ago, but our bodies are also 45-75% water. We are intimate with fluidity. We were surrounded and contained in fluid for 9 months in the womb before being born. This may have been the last time that we felt held, safe, and somewhat quiet.

What would it be like to feel safe again? To not be in overwhelm or feel assaulted by sound and energy. To feel fluid, allowing the current to take you where you need to go instead of constantly battling the emotional attacks that life brings.

The past couple of months I’ve been working to heal my nervous system from the trauma that has resurfaced in it over the past couple of years. Coming back to embracing the fluidity of life and building capacity to live in this sensory world, reimagining my energy field as capable. It’s a journey that I’ve been on before and will probably have to come back to over and over again. It’s the next best thing to living in that womb-like comfort.

Domicile Show

I want to thank everyone for coming to the opening of my show at Domicile last Friday. It was wonderful to be able to share my latest work with you.

We had a great turnout and I also showed a bit of older work.

The show will be up through January at Domicile Gallery - 4116 E Madison St, Seattle, WA