Last week I had a biopsy on my left breast due to some growth that has developed since my last mammogram a year ago. This week I received the news that it is indeed cancer. I haven’t yet had the consultation with the surgeon to go over what the next steps are, so I am trying to stay present and hope for the very best until I hear more.
What I do know is that it is contained and in the very early stages so I’m hoping, praying, and visualizing that it will only require a lumpectomy and no radiation or further treatment.
Unfortunately or fortunately, I know too much about genetics, health, minds, the nervous system, and trauma not to recognize the connection between this abnormal growth in my body and the challenging year that my husband and I went through last year and also the year before.
In our culture of individualism, we like to see everything as separate. As if this cancer just decided to invade my body and hasn’t been a PART of my body and all of the experiences, actions, reactions, decisions, environments, thoughts, and feelings not only of me but of all of my ancestors before me and relations around me. As if trauma hasn’t been in these cells since before I was born and holding the potential for this overgrowth it’s now experiencing.
For me, it has been a life-long journey, discovering how to bring the capacity for health to this system I inhabit. A challenging one, to say the least.
It makes so much sense that I’ve been drawn to the water this year. The ocean’s ability to live in harmony with all of the networks within it but also to function as one being, nurturing life and keeping movement and equilibrium even in the midst of stress from the outside world soothes me.
Seaweed and kelp in particular function as colonies, but also as one unique being. Sharing their nutrients, energy, and regulating the entire body as it relates to the world outside of them. As I stand at the shore, I regulate my nervous system with them, and I want so much be like them.
I’ve wanted for so long not to hold on to stagnation in my body, but bring that fluidity, ease, and nurturing to every part of me. Just as the chronic migraines I’ve experienced for so long are a teacher to me, so is this new diagnosis. You will probably be seeing more poems about the connection to my body and water as I move forward. This is just another way for me to go deeper in process and listening to my own being.
I’m feeling so grateful that I am in a very good place right now. In an apartment, studio and neighborhood I love, with a partner, and friends that love and support me, doing work that inspires me. I also have a great team of doctors and practitioners to help. I’m feeling optimistic and enthusiastic about life and growth right now despite this news.
If you want to contact me and send me well wishes, please do so. But know that I will not share any sentiments of hatred toward the cancer in my body. It’s a part of me and it’s instructing me further on this journey. You will not hear me say ‘Fuck cancer’ or speak about any such war against it. As much as I want it to not be inside of me, I have deep respect for what it’s telling me about my past and my future.
Thanks for listening, dear ones…I will take all of your good vibes, prayers, thoughts and visualizations during this time. — Esther
“Forms within the universe, whether galaxies, human beings or trees, are generated as an expression of vast forces at work within a holistic framework. Separateness, fragmentation, and disconnection are all illusions.… [W]holeness is never lost, and the Health within the human system, which is a manifestation of this unity, is also never lost.”
—John Upledger